alright, i havent done a journal like this for a long time bc i try so hard to be positive but here we go
also i dont know how to be sincere and serious etc
ill admit, im a nervous person. in general. i tend to get very very nervous over things. i cant confidently say its anxiety because i havent been officially/properly diagnosed with anxiety, but anxiety seems to fit my feeling best, so i just call it 'anxiety' even though i dont really like calling it that unless it really is.
ive been suffering with this constant nervousness for as long as i can remember, but it only really started getting worse december 2016.
if you were around at that time, you might remember that my dad had suffered an accident at home, and broke his spine falling down the stairs unconscious. he had fractures and also crushed vertebrae, and was one wrong movement away from being paralyzed. the day it happened, i had a giant panic attack, and i didn't fully process what had happened for days. it almost kept hitting me in waves of shock randomly almost ?? luckily he was okay, was dispatched from hospital a few days before christmas, and he has recovered really well and can walk fine etc
last christmas i dont remember much. it was a lot of nervousness bc my dad was having extreme tantrums and frightening everyone. also that was when carrie fisher died and i loved her so much so i was shattered from the impact of the last week with my dad and carrie's death. really i only remember feeling awful mentally.
so school started in early january this year, and everything seemed to be getting better. my dad was calming down, he was letting himself recover, and i had walker stalker in two months !! wsc was the only thing that was keeping me sane at this time i swear.
i should probably mention now that i tended to get attached to people. like REALLY attached, i was always trying to spend time with my friends even if they didn't want to, always messaging certain people, etc. i dont really do that anymore, but basically i would get attached to people bc they made me feel better about myself, and i had people to make me forget my 'anxiety' for awhile.
in particular, there was this one girl (who i wont name bc IM NICE LIKE THAT) who i was really, really, really close with. honestly, i had a HUGE crush on this girl. i was in DEEP. it started when i was about 14, that was when i realized im bi. but the only problem ?? she's straight and has a STRICT christian family (at least to me, they are). she also knew i had a crush on her, and eventually she started to be more comfortable around me. she would meet me at my house to literally just play video games and cuddle me. it started happening more often, to the point where she would send me messages saying 'i feel really bad today, can i come over?' and it got to the point where, REGARDLESS OF HOW I FELT THAT DAY, OR WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN HAPPENING PERSONALLY/FAMILY WISE, i had to let her come over and spend the day at my house. this was like, every other weekend.
now, back to when my dad had his accident. she came over that day bc she was feeling down again. my mum was panicking, my sisters (who didn't see the accident bc they were in school) were scared, i was freaking out.
but she was like 'oh ok. anyway naiara, lets go upstairs and chill'.
I STAYED AT HOME WITH HER SO SHE COULD CUDDLE ME WHILST MY FAMILY WENT TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE MY DAD.
i was idiot i really was. so basically my dad could be paralyzed. but you being sad is more important and i have to stay at home to make you happy even though i was having nervous breakdowns. ok. okay.
it was getting a bit out hand, basically. it was almost like, i wasn't allowed to have my 'bad' days and i was only allowed to pay attention to Her And Her Only.
end of january comes around. she starts making more and more casual homophobic remarks about her opinions and her family. begins making statements like 'poly relationships are just attention seeking and demanding from two other people'. she defended herself by saying, 'well, i would HATE to be in one' which i understand !!! people like different things !!!! thats ok !!! but DONT SHIT ON OTHERS FOR LIKING IT, YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASS !! she made another comment about her parents saying, 'oh, they dont mind gay people, just as long as it doesn't affect them personally'. ok but they know ur best friend is bi right. and that she really likes u right. ok. she also KNEW i was bi, and honestly, some of these comments were beginning to annoy me and the ones about her parents felt like they were targeting me personally. also when i joked around saying if she went in a suit to the school prom 'she could be my date ;^)))' and she got rlly upset with me for saying that.
february starts. im happy !! wsc in one month !! im gonna see chandler riggs again !! i have great friends and a rlly good close friend-
no i dont.
suddenly, she just became really quiet. she wasn't talking to me in class, and ONLY me, she was fine with others. and, of course, like my fuKCING brain LOVES to do, i start worrying. i begin to become nervous for lessons that i have with her. eventually, my other friends begin to pick up on her weird behaviour with everyone, and everyone asks me whats wrong. of course, that makes me worried even more, of COURSE. i said i had no idea what was happening, she just wasn't talking to most ppl. eventually i talk my comic con HOMIE abt it and he said 'ill message her !! see whats up !!'
that didn't work !!!!!!!!! at all !!!!!!!!!!! (ofc i dont blame my homie for this at all but it was a bad idea to ask her basically)
the next week comes around, and she is obviously angry at me. when i ask whats wrong, she exploded. she started shouting at me, raising her voice, pointing at me, etc. me ?? i was SCREAMING INSIDE. because part of this 'nervousness' that i have (what is it called ???? idk someone help) cant handle when people i am close with get angry with me. i HATE confrontations, i want to CRY when people are physically upset with me. i almost did when she yelled at me tbh. my friend was sitting behind us, looking at us like :0
when i got home from school i was cryin for days. seriously. i couldn't believe it bc she was almost like an anchor for me ?? and now i dont have that ?? some of my friends are still being supportive bc they know i get REALLY FUCKIN NERVOUS around her now, but most of my friends haven't really taken it into account that im scared of her now.
but, actually, despite the constant nervous breakdowns, since ive stopped giving all my energy to make her happy, my life has become...so much better ?? like, ok, one thing, wsc was BOMB !! seeing chandler again after all this shit was HONESTLY revitalizing and cleared my skin and i wish i was friends w him honestly he seems like a cool dude
also, tfw you discover amazing shows that have 3+ seasons that you can binge. in this case, bates motel. if u aint watch it, please do its amazing. my friends that genuinely want to be friends with me have stuck close, and i think (??) they understand that im scared around the girl i was close with. i have started becoming more open with my sexuality as well, because i am NOT going to apologize for being bisexual, and i will NOT apologize for someone having a negative opinion of me because of it. the only thing i am going to apologize for, is letting a girl almost control that and use that to her advantage, i am so so sorry to past me that you had to endure all of this, things get better, you'll feel better, you'll meet a cute girl someday i know it.
so basically, what im TRYING (really hard) to say is, sometimes you'll find people close to you are toxic. to you and to your friends/family. letting toxic people go is good. do NOT let the nervousness/anxiety take over you like it is for me. do NOT let the toxicity win, because there is so many toxic attitudes towards each other, towards sexuality, and if someone wants to be toxic, then say goodbye. life will miraculously get better, even if you think it won't because someone was your anchor or your special person. and if you haven't been able to let go of toxic people, just know that life will get better !!
im still suffering from this constant nervousness and i dont know if i should seek help, but until then im going to try my best to not let the girl get to me all the time and try to just,, enjoy myself ??
(ok but if anyone wants some tea on this girl i have more hmu)